Most office workers in America don't actually have their own offices...we are cramped in shared spaces so tightly that it makes farting while working very difficult.
Below are some juicy tips which should help anyone secretly fart while working. Let's face it, holding in the farts is not an option!
1.) Risky Silent Fart:
Depending on your confidence level, one of the oldest farting techniques requires nothing more than some good butt control- the silent but deadly fart method. Basically, throttle your ass muscles in order to moderate how much flatulence is being released to avoid the dreaded fart sound. This technique is risky for two reasons: first, your fart could smell horrible and alert your coworkers that you just released ass vapors. Next, sometimes it is impossible to predict how much gas will be released from your butt and high pitched squeaks could result. Be careful!
2) Water Cooler Crop Dusting:
Rule of thumb- A moving target makes it much harder for others to figure out where the farts have come from. As you start to feel a beefy fart "locked and loaded" pretend you next some paper, folder, or anything from the supply room at your office. As you pass an area of few people, release your fart bomb (hopefully silently) and continue walking. The goal here is to stink up a part of your office which is nowhere near your desk, that way your immediate coworkers will hardly smell your crop dusts as you return confidently to your seat.
3.) Urinal Break Farting:
There is nothing more manly than ripping serious ass either right before you start urinating, during the stream, or immediately after. If you decide to take your fart to the office bathroom, congratulations! The goal now is to fart as loudly and violently as possible. If any other male is in the bathroom with you he will immediately respect you for farting so proudly and will think you are an outgoing and carefree fellow. Promotions are often made in the bathroom people!
4.) Sound Distraction Method-
If you overuse any of the above methods too much your coworkers may start to catch on that something is not normal and your productivity and concentration levels will drop. It is often necessary to fart secretly while seated right at your desk. When the gas pressure becomes too intense, use a distraction sound to hide your fart. Good examples are printing 10 or more pages, stapling papers loudly, or cutting paper with scissors. The goal is to cover your fart sound with these louder noises. Tip- immediately leave the room if the stench becomes too strong!
5.) Create a Fart Pact:
An extremely risky, yet sometimes funny, technique to solving the work-fart dilemma is to quite literally break the silence by loudly farting while at your desk in order for others to hear. They will most likely laugh until they smell how bad your rotten shit smells. If you can find or "buddy up" with another worker who also suffers from extreme work-gas, you may be able to make farting at work the "norm"
Whatever your work setting, we hope these tips help you secretly fart at work. It is estimated that 4000 to 5000 workers per year die from holding in farts too long. This internal damage is no joking matter. After farting you will be able to concentrate so much better on your work and will grow, over time, to cherish each magical explosion! Happy trails!